YOUGHAL, IRELAND – In an unexpected bombshell this morning, the Biden Administration unveiled its most ambitious initiative to date… perhaps the boldest political move since Caligula made his horse, Incitatus, a senator.
It announced that it was going to tackle the “inequality” issue once and for all.
“This country has lived with injustice and unfairness long enough,” said White House spokesperson Ina Propriot.
The talking person then proceeded to list all the crimes allegedly committed by white males, dead and alive. From slaughtering buffalo, to Hiroshima, to rap music, she went from one to another, scarcely pausing to draw breath.
(This issue is particularly interesting to your editor. He has a mixed-race family, including grandchildren with Asian, Native American, African, Norwegian, and Irish DNA. He wants to treat them all fairly.
But what’s “fair,” when some have “white privilege” and others don’t? Today, he looks to the White House for guidance.)
Ms. Propriot finally finished listing the charges. Then, the Biden mouthpiece offered reporters a glimpse of the new initiative, which is supposed to be an omnibus program designed to “paliate, mitigate, and remediate the many ills and injustices caused by the patriarchy.”
The gist of the Biden team’s argument is that the deck is stacked in favor of white males. It says it is going to reshuffle the deck and deal out the cards more “equitably.”
But it also acknowledged that there were some jokers amongst the cards. Reporters at the news conference were shocked at what the administration proposes to do about them, which we’ll get to in a moment.
“The program… which we’re calling a Joint Offensive to Kreate Equality… will have two parts,” Ms. Propriot exampled.
“First, let’s be clear about this. We’re not going to piece-meal it. We’re not going to dance around it or promise things we can’t deliver. We already have buy-in from the Democrats in Congress.
“We suspect Republicans will come on board, too, as soon as they realize how popular this will be with the voters.
“This is a real game-changer. It’s a magnificent program to improve life in America, once and for all.
“We’re going to pivot from our other responsibilities – such as saving the planet and hunting down white supremacists – in order to fix 400 years of egregious mistreatment of America’s minorities at the hands of its white majority.
“And if not us, who? If not now, when?
“No, it’s way past time to act.
“And so, President Biden has asked that this program take priority over rescuing the economy. It is for this that he wishes to be judged by history.”
As far as we know, no president anywhere has ever so explicitly staked his legacy on a single proposal. Nor have we ever seen such a sweeping move to remake all aspects of a society.
So, let’s look at what’s in the proposed legislation.
“The first step will be an enhanced national census,” Ms. Propriot, formerly a white Marine lieutenant, now identifying as a Black woman (she, her, they).
“Asking a few key questions will reveal the level of suffering by each American:
Was the responder or anyone in their (in deference to the new grammar) family ever enslaved? If so, when?
Does the responder identify as a member of a minority group? (This will include people who identify as female.)
Is the responder disadvantaged by reason of health, height, weight, mental capacity, ugliness, temperament, depression, birth order, birth date, family composition, relationships within the family, mediocre local schools or other community services, abuse at school or in the home, income, food, sleep or sex deprivation, or other cause? If so, what?
“Asking these few simple questions will give us a “Pain Score” for each person. This will be driven by an artificial intelligence (AI) algorithm, hosted on the blockchain, and calculated using non-eurocentric arithmetic.
“That is, the final numbers will be determined by some dude holding his pants up with one hand while doing the math in his head.”
(Footnote: A small internet company, started a month ago by Holly-Ina Propriot, is said to have a prototype of the necessary software. The company was bought by a SPAC for $1 billion just two weeks ago. Its shares shot up 14,000% in the last five weeks as news of the new initiative leaked out.)
More Equal Society
“When that is established, each person will get a monthly check from the federal government, designed to offset, compensate, and rehabilitate the person.
“In brief, the more harm the person has suffered, the more compensation the person will receive. This will lead to a society in which everyone is as equal as we can possibly make them.
“God would have done this, if He’d thought of it,” she added.
In response to questioning, Ms. Propriot admitted that there was no way to ever completely make up for abuse suffered due to hair loss or color blindness. But compensation payments are the only practical and ethical response.
On further questioning, it was revealed that the program will be “revenue neutral.” Those with low Pain Scores will be forced to pay higher taxes to support the program.
“We will not touch any of the governments’ many useful programs and projects – neither the Green New Deal… nor the Infrastructure Program – nor any of the other boon… I mean stimulus… measures now in place.
“This program will be entirely self-funding.”
By this point in the press conference, reporters had their eyes wide open and their tongues were hanging out of their mouths. They had never seen such an audacious program (and these were hardened veterans of the Trump years; they thought they’d heard everything).
Some sat in silent astonishment. Others sobbed quietly. One young woman murmured, “Finally… Finally…,” before leaving the press room.
Never before has a government attempted to correct such fundamental problems.
It will attack both the injustices of man – slavery, poor schools, and parental abuse – as well as the bad cards dealt by nature – including height, ugliness, or birth order – with a single, elegant solution.
And one that requires no additional funding from taxpayers!
After a long pause, while reporters recovered their composure, one dared to challenge Ms. Propriot.
“You say it requires no taxpayer funding. But aren’t all the funds, in fact, coming from the taxpayers themselves?”
Thereupon, two Secret Service agents appeared from the back of the room and escorted them from the room.
“They will be put on a list of white supremacists,” the White House spokesperson explained.
Undeterred, a Fox Newshound asked an even more impertinent question:
“Isn’t this essentially a transfer program… with money transferred from the white citizens who earned it to persons of color, women, and minorities who didn’t?”
Prepared for the question, the White House spokesperson replied calmly:
“No. This is a program to correct inequality, not to shift it around.
“Now, there are a few sources of inequality for which money is probably not the best solution. Black and Hispanic kids go to school, for example, and are told that they are not speaking English correctly. This gives the white kids a big advantage from day one.
“We’re going to fix this. From now on, the official language of the U.S. will be Swedish. That way, all children will start out equally disadvantaged.
“Another big inequality that we’ve observed is that those identifying as women live, on average, five years longer than men. Men are much more likely to die from COVID-19, for example. But even that doesn’t explain the disparity.
“This inequality must be corrected. But this is a case in which financial compensation doesn’t seem appropriate. After all, how much is a year of life worth?
“Our legislation will deal with this problem in two phases.
“First, all men will be required to identify as women… dressing in women’s clothes and taking hormone treatments to increase their breast size.
“If that doesn’t solve the problem, we will move to Phase II. Women whose husbands die first will be required to throw themselves onto his funeral pyre.
“While this resembles the ancient Hindu practice of sati, we do not consider it cultural appropriation, because the woman will have the choice of being strangled by her children, if she prefers.”
It was at this point, while practically all the reporters in the room had lost consciousness, that the two Secret Service agents appeared again, one on each side of Ms. Propriot.
Taking her by the elbows, they appeared to lift her… and carry her out of the room.
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